Making Friends and Meaningful Relationships in Paris

Does it help you to know in your loneliness you are not alone? Expatriate life can be a lonely life. It takes time to meet people, it takes time to grow meaningful relationships sometimes a whole lot of loneliness to find people you relate to and that you can share the ups and downs of expatriate life with. We are after all relational beings with a need to feel connected and to share our experiences.

The story goes like this, you have arrived in Paris, you hit the streets and walk for miles in wonder and awe. Then the reality of this new life hits you. You don’t have any friends and no-one to share and discover these new experiences. Life becomes a chore. Your mood begins to sink to the lower end of the happiness scale.  Even more sort after, you long for the joy of meaningful friendships.

From here you join every social group you can find, finding plentiful people somewhat like yourself, living in a city new or old and in need of companionship.

With acquaintances in abundance there remains a nagging desire for more meaningful friendships. Like the friends you share everyday life and delights with, the new activity you have decided to take up, the new shoes you saw yesterday when walking home from work, the coffees, dreams and challenges shared. Those friendships you can call on when times are tough and you need the listening ear of someone trusted and dependable.

It is possible that luck is on your side and those valued, trusted friends arrive at your doorstep very quickly. However it is more likely that friendships take some months or even years to find, develop and strengthen into meaningful relationships.

Ultimately, remember this life of making new friends means you come into contact with a wide range of people you may never have had the opportunity to meet before. It’s a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and others and you never know what lies ahead – so savour all your experience as a blessing.

Here are a few pointers to help you on your new friendship journey.

  1. Maintain regular contact with family and friends at home, they are your lifeline.
  2. Seek and build relationships both with your partner and separately.
  3. Be prepared to make friends and then make more, over and over again. Have a couple of introductory phrases prepared and be ready to ask lots of questions.
  4. Early in your arrival, be courageous, join and attend  a sporting group and every social group you can find, even those activities you wouldn’t normal partake in. Life won’t come to you until you step into it. Making friends, particularly meaningful friends, is hard work and takes time.
  5. Participate in a volunteer position in a non-profit organisation. Learn a new skill. A French class is the obvious choice for Paris, but there are many other types of classes as well.
  6. Be sure to contact every lead from friends and acquaintances. Connect with native French people, Expats from your home country as well as Expats in general.
  7. Take it slowly, do not divulge too much too soon, but be yourself.
  8. Be open to different cultures, ages and lifestyles, you never know who you may meet.
  9. Accept that rejection is part of the process. Lick your wounds and continue your friend finding journey.
  10. If you find you get along with someone, follow up with an email and suggest another outing.  Be aware of how you feel when you are interacting. If you are not comfortable or don’t like someone, don’t continue to connect.
  11. Spend time with people who reciprocate. Don’t put energy into someone that is not reciprocating, it takes up too much emotional energy.
  12. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed and seek the ever listening ear of a counsellor, to help you on your way.

Christmas Alone in the City of Lights

It is getting near that time of year. The lights are up but not yet turned on. Decorations are spanning the width and length of the avenues, silently waiting to glow and light the cold wintery nights. It can’t be far away now. Your thoughts turn to your usual habits with loved ones, food, presents and other traditions you follow at this special time of year called Christmas. 

 If this is the first time you are away from home at this time of year, you quickly realise there are some significant differences to the celebration of Christmas. I am sure if you look closely you will also find some similarities no matter what culture you are from.  

While you may be dipped into a bout of homesickness there is a little sugar to be had to help you through the jolly season. Acknowledge your homesickness, loneliness, lack of good cheer at times and let significant others know so they can support you through the season. This new location for Christmas may just be a perfect holiday from having to partake in the routine obligatory traditions that you love and loath all at the same time. 

Remain open to new experiences of Christmas traditions. Research, talk to your friends, find out all information possible to learn the common thread of Christmas traditions for the French.  If you prefer to not leave behind all your own long held traditions you may even be able to blend a little of both cultures creating a unique Christmas of your own.  

Organise to spend Christmas with new-found friends or if you are still very new to the country, look to your closest city for expatriate groups. There are often many organising lunches and dinners for expats to celebrate together. The main point here is do not spend Christmas alone. Take action now and make plans to spend Christmas with people. 

It will help to feel close with your loved ones if you can share some of the Christmas celebrations with them. The internet is a great tool for keeping in touch – with ‘live’ video and audio software available. If time difference allows you could sit through some of the festivities with them using the video-audio software of your choice. You will then be able to watch, talk and share the experience. Bittersweet it may be, but it will mean you won’t miss out altogether. 

Christmas is one of the times of year, where it is best to take extra notice of your health. The warnings for your physical health may very well be well entrenched. The warning here is, be mindful of your psychological health as well. A time when you are normally with loved ones to then find yourself alone can be challenging. Acknowledgement of its challenges and creation of plans for the season will help support you through what may be a very rewarding life growth experience this Christmas.

New Year Reflections

The new calendar year approaches, the television, radio and social media are intent on not letting the end of the year pass without a grand farewell. What were your thoughts as 2013 was drawing to a close?  Were you celebrating the end of the year or rejoicing in the new beginning and making plans for 2014? I wonder how much time you spend reflecting on your own personal year?  How have you managed, changed and been influenced by the shaping forces of living in a new culture? New Year celebrations are often marked by the setting of new goals and resolutions, without giving the year that has passed time for reflection and consolidation. 

But some of the many benefits of Reflection are: 

 ∼ Remember and re-experience and give you deeper meaning to your successes and learning, giving you even more reason to celebrate  

∼ Discover or rediscover your strengths and other reasons for your success 

∼ To understand the how and why of your emotional reactions to events and people and how that may have impacted on others 

∼ Help you become the leader of your life, rather than leaning on others for direction 

∼ Increase your confidence, resilience, motivation, and engage in higher more complex levels of cognition. Another way of saying, reflection helps you to be mentally and emotionally stronger, smarter and wiser 

∼ Learn what your weaknesses and mistakes were and how you can overcome and learn from them 

∼ Allow you to acknowledge the goals you set and completed and to recognize those that changed form along the way 

∼ To get to know or remind yourself of your values, and to evaluate if you are living a life in harmony with your values 

∼ To put your life into perspective 

∼ Create new ideas, move beyond obstacles and help set new goals 

Reflection can take many forms and can occur anywhere. Walking in the forest is my favourite reflective activity.  It is where I normally clear the cobwebs of my mind, find clarity of thought and creative responses to difficult situations. 

Writing is another very good activity of reflective thought. Be it only this once, at the passing of a year and the beginnings of a new one, or the small task of daily reflection kept in a diary.  

A daily reflection diary date requires some practice to make it habitual. Set a time of day for this to occur, for example after your nightly shower or bath. Spend 5 to 10 minutes writing your thoughts about events of the day.  You can increase the time you spend writing as you become more comfortable, in fact you may enjoy the task so much the length of time increases without you having to try.  

Talking is another very good method of reflection. Seek the ears of a friend or counsellor, someone who is a good listener, who is able to reflect back to you your thoughts and feelings, to help guide you to greater self-understanding.  

Finding your preferred methods of reflection can be fun and with practice will build strong reflective habits. This in turn, will help you to grow and move forward with clarity of what has passed and greater purpose into the new year.

Kindness In The City

Paris is a delightfully beautiful city, it can however also be an astonishingly  challenging city, everyone seemingly going about their business with no regard of others or their call of need. I have heard and read many a story where people have been in need of help and found the people of the city wanting. The lack of concern and kindly help by society can be disheartening and, at times, frightening.  

Positive psychology research tells us that acts of kindness are good for our and others overall well-being. Psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky undertook a study in which participants performed regular, random acts of kindness.  Interestingly even though participants were instructed to undertake random acts of kindness, their happiness scores rose indicating a strong relationship between random acts of kindness and happiness.  

A working example of the positive effects of acts of kindness is illustrated in a conversation I recently had with an expatriate lady.  For the sake of this article her name is Laura. Laura had hoped her helping would be returned to her, either directly or indirectly. She hoped it would help her form healthy bonds with others and help her settle in her new country. Laura is now returning to her home country and upon reflection of the role her helping has had, she feels helping has increased her self-worth and given her life greater purpose. Laura spoke of receiving great pleasure through giving others joy by helping them. She found herself experiencing a sense of connectedness to society; friendships were formed, helping her to adjust to the new country and she experienced satisfaction in her daily life.  

Some ideas for random acts of kindness: 

∼ Use your manners – thank the person who opens the door 

∼ Be thoughtful – offer the elderly your seat, pay an extra large tip 

∼ Give compliments generously – let the baker know the “baguette” was delicious even if his business appears to be prospering 

∼ Be conscious of those who may be lonely – say “hello”, enquire how they are 

∼ Help your community – volunteer at an organisation 

∼ Answer a call for help – always respond even if you cannot help 

∼ Expect nothing in return for your acts of kindness – savour the joy of having helped 

In this city, which at times may feel like a hostile, lonesome world, take a moment to help yourself and others by making random acts of kindness a daily exercise, in addition to creating or getting involved in an organisation to help the broader community. 

Random acts of kindness are infectious and reciprocal in effect and affect. They help to create “kindness – aware” communities. What random act of kindness did you partake in today? 

The Better Self

What would your better self look like? Would it be much different to how you see yourself now? 

Life is a journey of experiences that help form our opinions, actions and reactions. It can often happen that these experiences create who we are without leaving the time to reflect and learn the lessons that are there for the taking. We just keep jumping from one life experience, one hurdle, however beautiful or ugly, to another.  The ugly hurdle has us wondering when it will all end, what life is all about. The beautiful can pass us by so quickly.   

Again the question pervades; what would your better self look like? 

The new calendar year has come and gone. The resolutions you made are partially achieved or forgotten in the hurriedness of life. Yet here we are at another “New Year” juncture:  the end of the European school year. The summer break is upon us, with September approaching fast where all daily life activities will be renewed with zest.  

Yet still this question begs to be answered; what would your better self look like? 

What lessons have you learnt over the past 6 months? How far have you come with your New Year’s resolutions? Are they still relevant in their current form? 

The summer break is a great time to enjoy the moment, relax and rejuvenate. It is also a great time to give thought to what it would take to be the “Best You” come 2014-2015. What are your strengths? How will you cultivate these strengths to be your better self and live a valued life – your valued life?  

It is all too easy when contemplating change to think that it is insurmountable. Yet it is the very small things that can have the greatest impact on you and how you live your life and move towards your envisioned “Better Self”. 

Could it be you wish to spend more time with your partner during the evening or take up a long-desired hobby? Where can you find the time? An easy time-wasting activity, though very often a necessary activity, are emails and social media. It is all too easy to spend many an hour browsing social media, checking and rechecking emails several times a day.  

We all wish for more time in our day. If you were to check your emails just one time per day for say half an hour to an hour (depending on how busy your email life is), how much more time would you have for other activities that are important to you? Or, perhaps it would be more useful to check into social media just once or twice a day for a set period of time.  

Give it ago.  Have a look. What small changes can you make in your daily life to help you move towards your “Better Self”?

Emotional States & The Good Life

New research from the Institute of Neuroscience and Psychology in Glasgow postulates there are 4 primary emotional states: happiness, anger, sadness and fear from which more complex emotions are derived. It is these four primary emotional states that envelope and motivate us or provide caution. Just as nutritionists recommend that a well-balanced diet in moderate quantities from all 5 primary food groups is essential to good physical health, so experience of the four primary emotional states, in moderation, is essential to psychological well-being.

The emotional states of happiness, anger, sadness and fear are fundamentally a tool to help guide thought and behaviour and influence social connections. Below is a concise explanation of the functions of each emotion.

Fear: 'fight or flight' reaction. Fear warns you to be more cautious, to give more analysis to a situation before acting.

Anger: to signal something needs your attention and to communicate your thoughts and feelings when required to rectify a problem either with yourself or others.

Sadness: lets you know you have lost something of value. It is the signal that you need to take time to process your thoughts around the loss and not rush through life without due processing of loss.

Happiness: well, happiness is the feel-good emotion. The more happiness experienced, the greater the buffer against negative emotions occurring in unhealthy quantities. It is clear happiness is something to strive for and there are many pathways to happiness, yet don’t make happiness the goal, but rather the process to 'well-being', 'life satisfaction' and 'living the good life'.